a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
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she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again