So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
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I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
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I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source