Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
