The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
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Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
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Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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