I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
