And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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