Pants 0. Shit 1.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
