i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
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For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
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Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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