Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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