Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize