I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
