She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
