Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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