either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
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