i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize