Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
