I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
