Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
