I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
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Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
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He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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