so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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