I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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