Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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