By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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