mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Less talking, more tequila
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
