if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Watching her eat just hurts me
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
