We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
