if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
