I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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