I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
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We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
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There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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