My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
