I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In other news, I just burned my penis
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
