it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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