i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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