im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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