So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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