god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
