What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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