Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
BRING THE BAGELS
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
