my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
