I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
