the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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