just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
