I wish I could teleport
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Randomize
