kristin has been a bad kristin
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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