I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
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Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?