I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia