i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
whose ass print is on the piano?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
