Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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