Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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