i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
