I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
don't judge my taste in strippers
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
