His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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