my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
