so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
