Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
