The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
