Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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