Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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