Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
